Conceal, Don't Feel
by IndyGirl89
Summary: Elsa always knew her magic had strength, but she never knew it had so much that she would harm the ones she loved. These are Elsa's thoughts and feelings after accidentally freezing Anna's heart. One-shot. TRIGGER WARNING: Rated "T" for brief thoughts of suicide.


**Hey guys, it's been so long between stories, almost three months, to be exact. I apologize for the long hiatus, but I really had trouble with this one. It's another Elsa-centric piece, this one expanding on Elsa's thoughts and feelings after she throws Anna, Kristoff, and Olaf out of her ice castle after Anna tries to get her to come back to Arendelle. I thought that with my other Elsa-centric piece, this one wouldn't be so hard, but it turned out I was wrong. But I hope you enjoy it, anyway. DISCLAIMER: I do not own Frozen or any of its characters.**

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A myriad of lights shimmered across the inky black sky, bathing the snow-covered ground in iridescent shades of emerald and rose, a common sight in the far northern reaches of the kingdom, where nothing but jagged peaks pierced the night sky, beckoning any unwary traveler to ascend their sheer stature. A lone palace made of shimmering ice stood atop the tallest of these mountains, appearing deserted and almost forlorn. Most would pass by without thought or care, except to gaze in wonder for a moment before continuing on their way. No one saw even the slightest sign of life, though perhaps that was the way the lone inhabitant preferred it.

The lone inhabitant was a young woman, wearing a shimmering blue ice dress of her own creation, her platinum blonde hair in a thick braid draped over her shoulder. She was pacing back and forth across the floor of a large room, making a complete circuit around before coming back to her original position, where she started all over again. Her icy heeled shoes echoed in the vast, empty chamber. She seemed to be completely unaware of the color of the walls around her, which had turned from a peaceful blue to a frightened red, or the dangerous spikes of ice that grew larger as her fear and distress increased.

The young woman's name was Elsa, queen of Arendelle, and she had locked herself away in this icy fortress because she had done a great and terrible deed. She had inadvertently and unwillingly unleashed some of her wintry magic at her coronation ball a mere two days ago. Had it really been only two days? It seemed like a lifetime ago. Everyone had been horrified by what she had done. Everyone but Anna. She had just been surprised. A natural reaction, really, considering she had gone thirteen years without knowing about her magic. It hadn't been fair to keep such a big secret from her one and only sister, but her father had convinced her that it had been the best thing to do.

But her reveal at her coronation ball was not the reason for her current state of distress. Something had happened just earlier that day, something worse than her reveal just the other evening, worse than even the accident thirteen years ago. Anna had paid her a visit, trying to convince her to return home with her. She didn't understand. She never would. There was a reason she had isolated herself so far away. She had wanted to be left alone, somewhere she couldn't hurt those she loved. So, she had denied Anna's request and turned away to go back upstairs where she could be alone.

But Anna had followed her, saying that she was not afraid and that Elsa did not need to protect her. Anna had begged her not to slam the door and shut her out again, and said that she didn't have to keep her distance anymore. She understood now why Elsa had locked herself away all those years and said that they could fix this hand-in-hand. They could head down the mountain together, and she no longer had to live in fear, because Anna would be right there with her.

But it didn't work. She insisted that Anna go back home and open up the gates again. Her life awaited. She knew she meant well but wanted her to leave her be. Yes, she was alone, but she was alone and free. As long as she stayed away, she and everyone else would be safe from her. Then Anna said something completely unexpected. That they weren't safe from her and she had the feeling that Elsa didn't know. Elsa asked her to clarify, and Anna revealed that Arendelle was completely covered in snow. She had set off winter everywhere.

Elsa was shocked. How could something like this have happened? But Anna tried to reassure her that she could just unfreeze it. Elsa insisted that she couldn't, she didn't know how. Anna insisted back that she knew she could. She didn't have to be afraid, and she could reverse the storm and together they could change the winter weather and everything would be all right.

But it wasn't all right. She had let things get too out of control. A small blizzard took form around her as she voiced her fears of not being able to reverse anything. Anna kept pushing, invading her space and her mind, until finally, Elsa let loose her conflicting emotions with a burst of magic. She thought she heard Anna cry out, whether from pain or surprise, she didn't know. That is, until she looked around and saw Anna crumpled in a heap on the floor, clutching her chest. She was horrified. What had she done? Had her worst nightmare finally come true? Her breathing quickened. She didn't dare believe it.

Then she heard a voice call out Anna's name. A man's voice. He came running into the room and slid on his knees next to Anna. Asked her if she was okay. She said she was fine as she stood up and almost glared at Elsa. Who was this man? She had never seen him before. What was he doing here with Anna? It didn't matter; he had to go. They both had to go. She told Anna so, but Anna refused to leave without her. Elsa had no choice. If they wouldn't leave willingly, she would make them leave. She shot ice at the floor and a monstrous snowman materialized in front of her, blocking her view of Anna and the strange man with her. She ran off, not knowing or caring if the snowman had carried out her unspoken orders.

She had then hidden herself away until she was sure they were gone, and that was when she had started pacing, wearing the same path in the same cavernous chamber for hours on end, wringing her hands and warring with her conflicting thoughts and emotions. How could this have happened? What had gone wrong? Why couldn't Anna have just left her alone?

Well, she already knew the answer to that last question. Anna loved her, had always loved her. Had loved her even though she had shut her out all those years. But how could Anna love her? How could anyone love her? She was nothing, a worthless, wretched creature who didn't deserve to love or be loved. She was exactly what the Duke of Weselton had said: a monster. Anna would, of course, disagree with her, but in reality, she had resigned herself to the fact years ago, already. Besides, who else but a monster would hit her little sister in the head with her magic? Who else but a monster would be unable to control that magic for more than a decade? Who else but a monster would unleash her magic in front of a crowd of people? Who else but a monster would set a sudden winter on her kingdom? Who else but a monster would freeze her little sister's heart?

She would. She was just such a monster.

There was no getting around it. It had been inevitable from the start. She feared that even her parents had thought so. Of course, they would never have said it to her face, but she had seen it in their eyes, that look of fear and anxiety that no parent should have around their children. Oh, they had tried to help, but it had been almost completely pointless. By the time she was twelve – still a young girl, in fact – no one could even come near her, let alone touch her. She hated the lack of physical contact, but deep down inside, a part of her actually believed that it was safer that way. If they couldn't come near her, if they couldn't touch her, it would be impossible for her to hurt them, right?

Wrong. She had done the one thing she had promised herself she would never do. But then, things almost never turn out the way you plan. True, she had been able to go for more than a decade without hurting anyone, but she had barely seen anyone in that time period, anyway. Only her parents and sometimes Kai and Gerda had been allowed in her room, and only then, it was for very brief moments, whether it was her parents coming in to check an assignment they had given her during her private studies, or Kai or Gerda bringing her her meals. Although, if she was being honest, when it was Kai or Gerda, she only opened her door just enough to take the food tray, say a quick thank you, and then immediately shut it again. But she felt that even that was risky. What if by chance she had had an "accident"? She wouldn't have wanted them to see it. What would they have thought of her?

The answer was simple: that she was a young girl with mysterious powers who had had to be locked away for the safety of herself and the whole kingdom. At least, that was the reason her father gave. But was it the right reason? Or was the reason that he didn't want anyone to harm her for her "unnatural" gift?

Elsa inwardly scoffed at the idea. Her magic was not a gift; it was a curse. Why had she, of all people, been born with something like this inside her? She would give anything to be rid of it, to be truly free. But it wasn't that simple. Nothing ever is. And she hated that. She hated what she had, she hated what she had become, she hated what she had done with it. A part of her even hated herself. Why was she even still alive? Why hadn't anyone come and found her, demanding her execution?

Why hadn't she thought to do it herself? The world would certainly be better off without her. And no one would see her do it, no one would be able to stop her. There were dozens of ice spikes around her. She could pick any one of them. All she had to do was break off a point, hold it to her wrist, and press down. If she did it quickly, it could be over in a matter of minutes. No one would know she had done it, no one would care, no one would miss her.

She broke off the end of the sharpest spike she could find and had just set it against her bare, pale, cold wrist when a voice came unbidden into her head.

 _But what about Anna?_

Elsa was so startled that she dropped the spike, causing it to shatter and send fragments of ice skittering across the floor. She listened for a minute, but when she didn't hear anything, she reached for another spike, but then was stopped once more by the same voice, one that she now recognized as her own, but a more confident version of her current self.

 _Anna would miss you terribly_ , said confident-Elsa. _Have you thought of that? Have you even thought of her at all these last two days?_

 _Of course I have!_ said frightened-Elsa. _She would be better off without me._

 _No, she wouldn't,_ said confident-Elsa. _She would be devastated. She would think it was her fault._

 _She would make a much better queen than I would,_ said frightened-Elsa.

 _But she wasn't born to be queen,_ said confident-Elsa. _You were._

 _Go away! Leave me alone!_ said frightened-Elsa.

 _But I can't, Elsa,_ said the voice. _I'm you._

 _No, you're not! I'm me!_ said Elsa.

 _But I'm you, too._

 _No, you can't be! It's not be possible to have two people inside me at one time!_

 _Oh, but it is, Elsa. Haven't you figured it out, yet? I'm your better half._

 _I don't have a better half! This is all that I am!_

 _No, it isn't. Everyone has at least two of them inside them._

 _I don't understand._

 _Everyone has got both light and dark inside them. What matters is the part you choose to act on. That's who you really are._

 _But I don't know who I am! How can I find that out when all I feel is fear and anxiety?_

 _There will come a time when you will be tested on that very thing._

 _When?_

 _Soon._

 _But how soon?_

Suddenly, Elsa's head felt lighter than it had just a few minutes ago, as if a great weight had been lifted off it, and she knew that the voice had gone. She felt drained, as if she had just run a very long distance in a very short time. She didn't want to believe the other voice in her head. She couldn't believe it. But it did have a point. Would Anna really be better off without her? Would anyone be better off without her? After that conversation (if she could even call it that), she didn't know how to answer that question now. But then, there were so many conflicting thoughts swirling around in her head, she wasn't sure what to believe anymore. She hated feeling this way, chasing her thoughts around and around in her head until she got a headache, which had been happening more often than not lately.

She was so consumed in her conflicting thoughts and emotions that she hadn't noticed that she had started pacing again. But then again, did she ever even stop? She couldn't remember. Time seemed to pass so slow up here, and sometimes, it passed too fast, depending on what she was doing. But at least all this time gave her a reason to think.

What had become of her life? How had she, in a matter of just a few days, gone from being a happy, confident little girl to a secluded and frightened one?

Well, she already knew the answer to that. It was what had started that chain of events in the first place. And yet, over those years, she had often wondered what her life might have been like had she been able to catch Anna that night in the ballroom. She wouldn't be here, for one thing. She wouldn't be queen, and she and Anna would not have been separated. They would have grown up like any other royal sisters. More importantly, she would still have her parents. Her kind, loving parents who had tried to do everything humanly possible to help their frightened daughter.

But it had been to no avail, and that was what had brought her here a couple of days ago. Despite what Anna had said to her, she would never be able to go back, not now, not ever. Resigning herself to that fact, she drew into herself as the walls darkened and the spikes lengthened.

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 **Ugh. :P I'm not completely satisfied with this one, but I've spent so long on it, I just wanted to get it out. Hope the ending doesn't sound rushed.**

 **Sorry about the suicidal thoughts I gave Elsa in here. I hate the idea of Elsa thinking like that, but I must admit, she has good reason for wanting to do it.**

 **As far as future stories go, I have a new multi-chap in the works (the final installment in my family series, titled "Growing Pains") and two series of one-shots. One will bridge the two years between "Happy Birthday, Your Majesty" and "A Child is Born", which will include Anna and Kristoff's wedding and Anna's announcement of her first pregnancy. The second will bridge the year between "Family Ties" and "Opening New Doors", which will focus on Elsa and Fredrik's courtship. I already have a prologue and most of a first chapter written for "Growing Pains", so I'll be posting that one first. I may or may not post the one-shot series in between regular updates of "Growing Pains".**

 **Thanks for reading! :)**


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